Raw juice and tongue cleansers...

“Start the new year with this inspiring choice of online health breaks”, gushes an article in today’s Guardian. Yes, that’s right: an “online health break” means more time spent gawping at a laptop screen. The narcissist with money burning a hole in his (or, more likely, her) pocket can take a virtual trip to India. “The Ananda Starter includes an in-depth ayurvedic consultation with a doctor to review your mental, physical and emotional  health and assess your body type (dosha) and current imbalances; a set of signature dosha-based recipes; an individual yoga consultation and assessment; and a private class (choose from hatha yoga or meditation) with tailored advice and adjustments”.

Or maybe a weekend course “filmed in and around the villa near Montefollonico, south-east of Siena. Meditate under the olive trees, do yoga in the hills, learn to bake bread on an organic farm, and hear Frances Mayes, author of Under the Tuscan Sun, talking about making her home in Cortona, about what it’s like to follow your dreams”.

Or how about a three-day retreat offering “a guided deep detox alongside live classes, educational talks, coaching workshops and fitness sessions. You’ll receive a home detox box at the start, with nutritional supplements, dry skin body brush, ayurvedic tongue cleanser and colon cleansing kit, and there is support and guidance via online Q&A sessions with nutritional therapists, counsellors, a hypnotherapist and a fitness trainer. Raw juice deliveries are on offer at an extra cost”. Extra cost? With the retreat costing “from £499", you’d have thought they could throw in some raw juice for free.

I’m looking after my own well-being by going for walks, and wondering if it’s too early to have a drink…